walking on shattered glass

For a long time now, I’ve been walking in the dark. As seems to be the way with journeys of awakenings, there comes this time of sleep along the way. Sleep walking, if you will – feeling your way through the dark passage.

Paradoxically, that darkness often comes after a blinding light, like the one I experienced near the beginning of this stretch of the journey. (And perhaps ‘blinding’ is an apt descriptor then… after which it seems I lost my ability to see for awhile).

Regardless, I felt abit lost, still going through the motions but not sure where I was headed. After those years of being bathed in such profoundly healing experiences of belovedness, the feeling of intimacy fell away and I was utterly alone.

Al-one? Perhaps. For in the place of those mystical Love experiences, I’d been ‘left’ with ‘everything is Holy’. I saw the sacred mystery all around me, the terrible beauty of it all. But I felt like I was merely an observer, an inconsequential speck in the midst of that infinite grandeur. Prayer felt empty, devoid of meaning, and there was nothing I could grasp to direct my prayer to. No purpose in it.

This year, the light has been making its subtle way back through the cracks. The energy of that light opening my eyes once again to wonder, but also restoring to me the dignity and integrity of human life. What has shifted in me is the realization that I AM also a piece of that grandeur, a vital piece. I AM ‘made’ to receive Light and Love in order to BE LIGHT and LOVE.

I had forgotten that I Am light!

Again, it sounds so trite, ( because human words fail to express it– those words, ‘no hands but yours’) but somehow now I know it in my body in a new way. I am not here, experiencing brokenness, merely to give Divinity something to Love. That seems a cruel fate, after all. I am also here because the Divine One needs me -this humble human vessel that I am, to become Love. There is no Love, Compassion, Mercy, Peace, without us to receive it and to BE it. Those divine energies are merely ideals without the flesh of life to manifest them.

There is something reciprocal about the flow of Love in this way. I am Loved, I am Love. I receive, I give back. I am fed. I feed. Love grows.T

To pray in this way is to take a bath in Love, in the wonder of Light becoming flesh all around me, and within me. To fill up in order to Be Love.


I dreamt the other night some new words: “This human journey (to be human) is to walk across a field of shattered glass” As I gazed out upon that endless exquisite field, I was taken by the beauty of the sparkling colors, even as I felt the inevitable cutting.

The human journey is fraught with pain. It is fraught with Beauty…all that broken glass, like prisms, imperfectly reflecting the light, the Divine One shattered into so many pieces in order to Become.

I am a piece of that broken glass, as are you. Reflecting beauty. And in my broken bit I will be imperfect and I will inadvertently cause suffering and pain to those I love, and that suffering will cause compassion to become real… and to grow. As best as I can my job is to polish that glass here in this ocean of Love , to dive deep and bath in it , swim in it, be tumbled by it, allow it to knock off these rough edges, and to shine.

 Love,V

PS . To those who companioned me along this journey of returning light this long year (you know who you are) Thank you!  Our relationship has so sustained me. There has been such Love. There has been grace. There has been mercy. Thank you for being a mirror.

‘Left to my own devices, I had fallen asleep and forgotten who I am’ Thank you for gently blowing on my embers in the midst of that darkness, and reminding me that I AM light.

 

 

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