oversaturated

A few weeks ago, I wrote of the banquet table that was spread out before me, as I found myself feasting upon a new stack of books. Well, here I am today feeling abit like Thanksgiving afternoon, all that gratitude transformed into gluttony.

It’s not really the books, perse, that have left me feeling overstuffed and bereft. It’s just that, well, one thing leads to another, with information overload so ready at my fingertips, with the synergy of emails between friends leaping across the synapses in my brain, with the plethora of excellent soulful offerings on zoom or podcast, daily readings, thought provoking essays, self-help advice for a loved one… you get the idea. And it is not lost on me that here I am adding more words to the blogosphere… with these journaling prompts from the latest book on the stack.

It seems I have moved from satisfying the hunger in the belly of my soul, to oversaturating my brain. Words. Words. Words. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. Solutions. Solutions. Solutions.

I live in a culture that teaches me that consumers are vital aspects of a healthy ecosystem. That consumption will make me happier. That, if I have free access to consuming, then I really ought to take advantage. The hunger for healing and wholeness in me perhaps makes that a potential deathtrap, for I could consume myself into a virtual coma.

But I don’t believe we are made to be consumers of this earth. Nor do I believe we are meant to be consumers of information. In both cases, our souls are starved of what they truly need.

I also suspect that our brains are not made to hold so much information. We have access to too much, more than our physiology can digest. That makes us sick. I have been feeling that — anxiety, inability to process, faitigue, vulnerability. I suspect that , just as we are advised to eat local, our brains are also designed to process- and relate to – the local, the immediate, the present, the actual.

As I hit upon so clearly yesterday, I know I am not meant to carry it all…but to open to Love it all. Ironically i think that is one of the gifts of the internet, if we can ever allow it to simply be so, that it might be a container for our brains so that we can be freed to be human again.

Sometimes, I wish i weren’t so voracious for knowledge. I’d like to look at that. Does it make me feel safe, less vulnerable somehow? What answers am I truly seeking? One very real problem for me (and one that I suspect is an invitation into loving awareness) is my need to respond to EVERYTHING — which is somehow tied to my need to fix to alleviate my anxiety– to be necessary… (to be loved?). The relinquishment of this attachment is a strong Soul pull that I feel, this call to surrender, to accept…to simply fall…in Love. I cannot fix a broken heart …or a broken world. On a deeper level than that, I expect this is a practice to which I am invited into the ultimate surrender– to the Reality of life and death itself.

This morning, I woke, yearning for emptiness, wanting all of these seeds within me to burst from the pod, be dispersed to the wind, to be free of them. Winter is the time to be still, emptied of ideas, emptied of knowing, emptied of reaching and grasping, emptied even desire.

So, this morning, I took a long walk through the snow-covered landscape. I noted where squirrels and deer had crossed the path before me. I noted the way the seedheads of summer’s blossoms were the gathering places for winter’s crystals. I left the turret of my brain to enter the kingdom of my body, and I remembered what it feels like to simply be alive.

And i realized again, that this is why i go… out there, into the wild. To be simple again. To be immediate. To be present. To be real. And I understood that this is the reality i wish to bring home to this place — not another binge cycle, but a steady diet of simple goodness– of quiet, of stillness, of depth, of meaning, of trust, of belonging, of rightness, of Love for this place.

So, the task laid out before me is how to be simple here. How to know what is mine to carry, what food I should eat, how to sit by the water each morning, in stillness, falling in love, and let that be enough. More than enough.

For I truly believe that this is what the earth needs, for more of us to be still, to be simple, and to fall into Love. So, I likely won’t be here in this virtual place again for some time.

I leave you, for now, with this excerpt from an essay from LLewyllen Vaughn Lee, which came upon my desk this morning. May it be an open gate for you to also enter….

Ordinary, everyday awareness can return us to a place of balance, where we are part of the living community to which we really belong. A community not of internet bubbles, but of the earth and the clouds and the sun on the water. Whether this is an answer or merely a refuge I do not yet know. I am reassured to find this primal awareness described centuries ago, in teachings and poems that remain outside of time. Today, watching a little ruby-crowned bird looking for food at my feet, I feel true kinship. Focused on her own search, she allows me to come close, without fear or concern. Walking through this gate that is always open, we can return to a quality of consciousness beyond truth and lies, one that is more primal, spontaneous. Here an old man in his garden watching a little green bird can leave behind a strange fractured world of distortions and breathe an air that is not toxic, walk on a land that is still singing.

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