seeking wisdom

It is late in the day, and not the best time for me to be writing. Usually by this time of night, both my brain and my body are winding down, not able to chug through the fog to find any sort of form. And I promised myself to get up earlier tomorrow, so that my mornings are more spacious, with long hours to linger next to the water watching the light change, watching for what might appear in that inner wilderness of mine.

Of course, as has been well understood by women through the ages, trying to steal a bit of intentional alone time is always a bit of a cat and mouse game. As soon as you settle into a corner of your life that appears to be safe from intrusion, suddenly a paw is reaching into that space. (What i am trying to say here is that my husband, whose pattern for some long time has been to sleep in late in the morning, has suddenly decided to get up early too. Women have long noted that their loved ones seem to sense when they have turned their energy and attention inward — for study or art or self reflection– and suddenly show up at the door). Still, I wish to welcome his presence lovingly into my day. The point of my prayer life is not ,after all, to withdraw from this life of communion, but to be Love more fully within it. I do, however, need to touch base with that deep place of Love within — its like plugging in to a charging station for me, or like taking a luxurious bath in it. Others sometimes refer to it as clearing the channels.

I am certain that a new rhythm will emerge between us.

Anyway, back to the day’s exercise. I am invited to write on the prompt ‘My deepest desire is…’ I wonder how desire is different than longing?– the longing i expressed a few days ago in the “Letter to my Beloved’?? Ok. I am asked to hold nothing back. To get naked with my desire.

I desire… to live freely, grounded in Love, without anxiety about performance or duty or enoughness. Those feelings have certainly faded this last while. Perhaps some of that is related to the external of life in these times, which have created a boundary of sorts, creating a container that is small enough for the finite parts of myself, which strangely have given space for the infinite part of myself to expand. (Solitude will do that sometimes). It seems an inadvertant silver lining to this strange year of the pandemic, that much of the busy-ness that kept so many distracted has been stripped away, leaving many with space to be slower, quieter, simpler, more inward. I have witnessed an intimacy in families and couples and with my self. (and I also truly appreciate and have compassion for those who have found this time isolating, lonely, painful and fearful)

Ok. My deepest desire ( can you tell this is a hard one for me to claim?)… to feel deeply and quietly content, to live a life of balance and wholeness, to feel intact (not fragmented) and integral, to act with integrity– my outer expressions and actions reflective of the Love at my innermost being. And for the ones I love to feel whole, as well, to know joy, feel hope, experience love, and dwell in peace.

My deepest desire? … is to experience ease, to live with the ease of Wisdom- long seeing, deep seated, quiet, shining Wisdom. To be able to sit in that seat, grounded in Love, Compassion, and Grace, no longer pulled off center into anxiety. I have felt a move toward this center in me in this last year as well– a growing more rooted in that place — this place i once tried to grasp at (perhaps from ego, or perhaps from need) for i could see it glimmering on the horizon of my life, just out of reach– the crone with her silver hair catching the light, like those glimmering silky seeds of the milkweed pod, dispersing their promise into the wind, unattached to outcome, trusting in the goodness of Life to receive into its arms what it will.

Last month, I chose a small feather for the Julian of Norwich blessing, again without much deliberation, trusting what my hand reached for. As i shared it with the group, i found the words i spoke to be something about ‘lightness of being’, while at the same time realizing that this lightness of being comes only when this same feather is tethered deeply to love — a love that holds a bird to the earth like gravity, or like an anchor so deep in the water that it cannot be seen but that allow the feather to float on the waters without appearing to be tied at all, but that holds it to depth nonetheless. (again this is a hard feeling to express. I’ve a mobile that i made once of feathers and stones. It comes to my mind now. like the symbolism in it)

And this brings me full circle back to my early morning practice and my need for that daily touchstone, the grounding myself in Love, a love that allows the day to flow freely from that deep place… so, I must soon be to bed!

Perhaps I will dream of this Wisdom, this One I have named as my desire, in the seat of my deepest self, seeing all (even and perhaps especially myself) through the quiet, all seeing, all trusting, compassionate, grace- filled lens. She is my desire. To live centered in Her, grounded in Her peace nad Love, in Her deep assured and abiding Hope, Living out Her All is Well, and dwelling in Beauty. I look forward to meeting Her.

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