a shift in center

I have come to the realization that I live too much of my days, stuck in my head. (I suspect that social media encourages that too, inside that virtual space where the whole world is redacted to content — ideas, images– bombarding my mind.) I am a lover of ideas, a philosopher at heart, perhaps. I get excited by the synapses of connections in my brain from one thought to another. But I can get lost in that tangle too.

Recently, it dawned on me that at least a portion (perhaps a large one) of my seeking understanding is in order to feel safe. If I can understand the ‘other’, get beneath what makes them tick, I can fit them into my heartspace, where I ‘know’ that goodness is at the heart of who they are. I can find compassion. I can feel safe from harm.

I can think a thing to death this way though (following one well-written article to another seeking understanding). I suspect I can also think in order not to feel—pain, fear, grief– or at least in order to soothe it.

These past years the word, humility, keeps redeeming itself in me. Like many, my relationship with the concept was once closely aligned with being diminished, dishonored, belittled, disrespected — ‘humiliated’. But, coming face-to-face too with the realization that my thirst for knowledge sometimes makes the other feel diminished, with the realization that there are so many ways to understand and to see, which may all be true, (all ways are not my way), and mostly with the self-realization that I use knowledge and mastery to make me feel ‘safe’ and in control (especially during times of chaos), is inviting me to let go of ‘knowing’. Besides, is a love that is born from knowledge truly Love? (only if i can understand you, can I love you?).

Yesterday, I was reminded of Mystery, invited to center myself again there, in the great Unknowing. I don’t, nor could i possibly ever, know it all, understand it all, see it all. But perhaps I can hold the Mystery– of life, of humanity, of this earth– in my heart. And I can dwell there in wonder and Love.

It seems we keep arguing facts. We keep arguing perspectives. We keep loving only what we can see from where we stand. It is the fever pitch of crisis (real or imagined) that keeps us from quieting and finding our mutual center. I’m going to take a breather from that and Breathe.

I’ll be headed out into the wilderness for most of September, so that should help. When I’m out there, my brain gets a natural rest. I am not thinking so much as being. And being in Love. I am present without judgement of right or wrong, good or bad. No part of my brain is analyzing or caught in the tangle of chaos. It is a natural reset for me, which I dearly need this year especially. When I am there, I am simply there— the whole of me. Intact.

I wish for you too, to find such a space to nurture your heart and your wholeness.

Adieu

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