becoming virgin

Photo by Markus B from Pexels

The sky is just beginning to lighten into shades of grey as I settle this morning to write. A few brief moments ago the last of the stars, peeking through skeletal trees outside my window as I padded the hall to the bathroom, greeted my wakening.

The fire is now lit, breaking the chill of the dawning house, as are the candles, the tree, the mantle lights. Softly, quietly, morning unfolds. I cherish these gradual daybreaks, when I can move in rhythm with the earth’s own quiet awakening.   

Watching the morning coffee spill into my waiting cup, its steam swirling into the cool kitchen air, I am drawn to the hidden world it reveals, currents of life, unseen. The heat escapes the confines of my cup, dissipating into invisibility what was palpable a moment ago. Small miracles abound.

I note the parallel within me, so recently hot, strong, intense, now dissipated, softened. The reckoning fills me with similar wonder.

Morning dawns and my spirit is at peace, restful. I wonder at how that has occurred, when so recently it was agitated, its haunted ghosts stirred awake. Perhaps they have lain back down in their graves, settled back into the earth of my being, but perhaps they also have dissipated, escaped those confines, released by that heat at last.

Perhaps a little of each.

Last weekend, I hosted my siblings in our tiny home for a simple Christmas meal.  Tangible for me was the absence of my mother’s haunting presence, no longer, at least for me, heavy in the room, standing between us. I felt clear and free as a winter night’s sky.

Washed clean? So …perhaps this autumn was not so much a stripping as a cleansing. I can’t help but conjure up images of Dicken’s Christmas Carol – these ghosts of Christmases past, no longer haunting me; those chains, removed.

I am motherless now. Motherless. I try on the word and it fits. I suppose that my external, physical reality finally matches my interior one. Somehow that feels easy to me. Perhaps there is congruence where there was dissonance. No longer is there shame in saying the word, ‘motherless’, aloud. It escapes the shameful confines of my body like the steam from my cup.

At the same time, it feels as if something has returned to me.  To be actually motherless means my mother no longer holds that part of me that so desperately needed a mother, that longed for approval, acceptance, love.  She has come flying into my arms and my heart, for safe-keeping, where she belongs. I am intact

Whole. “A woman whole unto herself” is one definition of Virgin.  Intact, as SHE is on this night, bearing her own child within, that which was conceived in her by the Holy. The child, inviolably precious, a gift to the earth— no matter how unseen or shamed it will be.

Virginal. That word swirls through the currents of my body, flooding it with life-giving moisture. Moist as a virgin. Intact as a virgin- nothing given away to be defiled. Nothing broken. Nothing ‘Lost’.

I have allowed another to hold a part of me -my sense of goodness. Allowed my purity to be tarnished, shamed by that.

What does it mean to be virginal AGAIN? Is this the way of the Crone—this return to intactness, ceasing to give one’s goodness away to those who will name it as tainted. A second virginity, one seasoned by the experiences of a lifetime, with wisdom and grace.  A more deeply rooted, secure, confident virginity. A less naïve virginity. A wise virginity.

The earth is virginal now, on this cusp of Solstice. Virginal, like me, for she too has seen many seasons of life, and yet contains all of the seeds of life in her belly. Stripped of entanglements, she is her essential self, skeletal, structural, intact. Clear.

To mind come those venerated Virginal woodlands. They are so Old.  AND… of course, they too are not truly primal, not as they ‘first’ were. The earth herself has been washed clean innumerable times – by fire and ice, by uprisings of water and earth, and still She is considered to be Virginal in these places of long, deep-rooted growth.

May it be so for me.  May it be so for you too. eused0 \lsdpri

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