Doubt

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When I opened the page to discover today’s word, doubt, my initial response was resistance. You see, doubt simply flies in the face of my deeply experienced All is Well. My hard knocked wisdom has come full circle to embrace my idealist naivtee to assure her that she was not at all mistaken in her belief in goodness…. the goodness of life itself, of the earth and her creatures, and the humans who are journeying here.

How would I capture an image of something that felt so illusory, so out of my concept of reality? And yet, even as I pondered that thought, I was aware of the hubris, or at the very least, denial, contained within it.

It wasn’t long into my post-breakfast  drive, thinking about some feelings and fears that I have been having, when it hit me, the thing that I doubt the most is the one in the mirror. I doubt my own goodness, or perhaps my good-enoughness. I question my heart’s compassion, its generosity and selflessness. I question my ability to love enough, hold enough, be tender enough. I question the relationships I have had and the one’s I am still in… did I give enough? am I receptive/available enough? When my self-doubt spirals along this particular path, I worry that there is something terribly wrong with my heart. Does it even know how to love?

I could cite quite a few psychological theories as to why I feel somehow broken in my ability to bond ‘correctly’ or why I feel like I am never enough or why I still carry these pockets of shame that sometimes burst into bloom on a random late winter morning when the snow is melting, and the earth releases her awakening scents into the warm currents of air. I could reassure you (and myself) that I can love and accept this part of myself who doubts her own goodness, along with the parts of myself who perhaps have warranted her self-assessment. I can even promise you that I know I am deeply loved and understood, just as I am.

But today’s word is Doubt, and the truth is the thing that I doubt most of all is my self.

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