the shape of things

I dreamt again last evening of abundance, of freedom to choose, of being invited to choose whatever my heart desired, without restriction. The dream felt completely joyful, no sense of anxiety at all, or fear of being selfish by taking too much. I had won something and was fully expected to take one of each item from tables and bins in a large warehouse.

A few nights ago, Hugh came to me in a similar place, in a similar dream. In it, I was waiting for him to arrive at a department/outdoors store where I couldn’t decide what to purchase. When he arrived he quite simply started pulling one of each item from the shelves, freely. ‘One of these, one of these, one of these…’

Now when 2 dreams come so close with the same message, I assume I ought to pay attention. The words that come to mind are abundance, freedom, fearlessness, gift.

What am I to hear in these dreams?

I recall telling someone a year or so ago that I felt like I was trying on new outfits each week, seeing how each one might feel.  I suppose some might call that a mid-life identity crisis (who am I now?), but I fathom it might just as well be that I finally know that what I wear is not at all who I am, and so I am free to choose most anything on the rack –perhaps some particular color that I might bring into the world at this time, perhaps whatever fits best the shape I am now.

There’s a lot of talk of ego out there right now. I am not one to jump completely onto that ‘lose the ego’ bandwagon. If I am to be human, embodied, I know I need a shape of some sort to fill out those clothes (to follow the metaphor through), in order to bear something life-giving or provide a vehicle through which spirit might flow.  I cannot be some shapeless spirit floating above it all.  I need a body in this place. I need to be grounded in this place.

The problem lies when I forget that this shape that I am is not who I am but simply a vessel for bearing my essence, for making spirit visible. Incarnate, to borrow the Word.

My life up to this moment in time has helped to create the shape that I am today, with its unique curves and wide spaces, its mysterious scars and wondrous folds.  I choose to bless it, to claim its graces and gifts. There are perhaps certain articles of clothing that will flow beautifully from it (not hide it in shame), that will be borne gracefully by this body, animated by soul as it is.

Ah, perhaps a blue dress then.

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