breathing in and out

Ok, a little balance here .

For all my naysaying last week about the addictive and time/soul-stealing qualities of the internet for me, I can also say this- I have found true healing and forged real relationships here.

  • In the 10 year e-letter writing relationship I have with a friend in Michigan, who for a time knew me more intimately than anyone else ever had in my life, though we had met face-to-face only once.  
  • In the relationship I forged with a woman, who has become a dear soul-friend to me, which began 8 years ago as an email spiritual direction relationship. 
  • In the great blessing in my life I find reading the blog and facebook presence of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who stirs something awake in my soul with something so ‘present and now’ each time I read her .  
  • In the great online articles I have been led to by friends, which have opened my eyes to some new wonder or deepening resonance.  
  • In being witnessed to life through years of e-letter sharing with friends. 
  • In the deeply healing relationship I have forged with myself all of these years of e-journaling.  
  • In the thoughtfulness with which I sit down to write these posts.

The written word, for me, as I’ve mentioned often, is the place where soul comes out to speak,  the place where I feel most authentic, and often the place where I have found Godde. I suppose in some ways it need not matter ‘how’ those words are written or read as much as it does the quality of presence, the quality of my humanity and the depth of my spirit, which I bring to the writing or the reading. Maybe what makes me human is still less about ‘how’ my brain processes and more about ‘why’ it does.

Sure, sometimes I get led astray, but always I learn a little something along the way, usually picked up on the way back as I reflect upon where I’ve been, seeing more clearly the beauty in what looked strange and fearful on the way out.  And sometimes I lose touch with that Something-Deeper that walks with me. I forget … for a moment or a month…  the true depths of my love affair with life, my faith in humanity, and my trust in Something Deeper.  (As if I could ever forget the Love that inhabits all.)

Then I hear the call back home. I’ve wandered too far, the fascination with some scientific discourse has led me from curiosity to wonder and awe and right into fear and despair.  (maybe that’s what those ‘fear god’ passages are all about anyway) . Ah but perhaps that is no straight line out and back after all!, rather  a spiral where wonder is not so very far away from despair at all. 

I get lost for a moment, for instance, and I lament that we are losing our humanity, believing for that moment that our brains are all that make us who we are, all that make us human, and that there is not something deeper, some spark, some intelligence, some presence, or some other place(s) within us where spirit resides, and as if our very humanity does not also reside deeply in Something More-than.  Why, only a few years ago, hearing similar stories, I felt great hope, felt greatly relieved that we would finally be freed from the tyranny of needing to hold all that knowledge in our brains and we’d become human beings again at last, applying our deepest humanity to all that knowledge.  It was so clear to me then that how we process knowledge has little to do with our humanity.

At other times it may be the desire for justice, or following the political power trail, that draws me into a similar spiral where at one point I can’t see God at all and the next moment i am tripping right over Her.  Not that the terrain has changed  one bit, but that my eyes have.  (O god of brains and brawn, help me to see you.)

As I grow, and grow more human, I necessarily step out of my self, stretching me as I go. Sometimes I leave God behind, back in the center of the circle that is everywhere, and then call Her to come join me there. Of course, it is She who has been stretching me, there all along waiting for me to include this in Her too.

I remember once hearing Huston Smith explain that asking our brains to explain god is like asking a dog to explain mathematics. Using the only ways of knowing we have at our disposal (our brains or our noses respectively), it is likely impossible that we will be able to discern something beyond them. That kind of knowing comes from some other place in us, or outside of us entirely.  

I only know this. There is no despair, and there is, and always She is there.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Carolyn
    Mar 14, 2011 @ 09:02:09

    Thanks, Vicki for reminding me throughout our time together that “always She is there.”



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