becoming human, part 2- ebb and flow

some see it as a spiral, the soul’s movement,  re-encountering the same desolation or consolation in ever deepening and healing planes on its journey into wholeness. some see it as a wave, in its great circular path to the shore,  going under and rising, sinking and breaking.  one day, one week, one season, one year, you are filled with deep contentment, with a knowing that all is Love. everywhere you look is Beauty, ordinariness is Bliss, and you are released of your longing for More because you are swimming in it.  you perceive your life’s meaning as Simply Being Here, in Love, loving and being loved. then one day you wake up (funny how in each place we feel we’ve awakened) in quiet despair, your longing for purpose, or justice, or more, sitting square on your chest.

the problem is that we label one place as good, the other as bad, or at the very least establish a hierarchy of sorts, so we keep going back to that place of deep peace, without receiving the gifts from the longing,  or we keep going back to our longing for justice, for instance, without receiving the gifts of all is well.  many of us we equate god, or spiritual wellness at least, with peace, whether that peace be within or without, but we don’t allow for the possibility that god is as fully present in tension, in chaos, in desolation and dis-ease.  no, we want to ‘fix’ that when we feel it ourselves or see it in others. it makes us uncomfortable, when discomfort may be exactly what is needed. we label the desolation itself as dwelling in fear, when it may be in fact fear that drags us away from it.

some of us can’t see god in winter, because the evidence of god for us is in blossom, growth, fruit. some of us can’t see god in summer, because the evidence of god for us lies beneath the surface. vastness, stillness, and silence.  but growth without stillness is cancerous and stillness without passion is apathy.  of course, then again, perhaps god is also in cancer and apathy!

i find myself to be in the camp of returning often to the well of deep peace. some of that is a genuine soul craving and vital refreshment to me, true to who i am and who i know god to be, but i suspect some of it is also discomfort with staying in that uncomfortable place where deep longing and desire lie, wanting to resolve it too early, not trusting god there.  i think sometimes, falsely so, i equate all desire with false ego.  i also think i equate my distress with being far from god, when in truth it may be inviting me closer.

i silence the screaming in me when maybe the scream should be heard. i let the silence, silence me. i settle for Beauty when i could have Passion.

 i suspect that i can have both.

i think it is possible to have a foot in each place. to trust my mystic’s soul that knows all is well, and to follow my Lover’s heart .  i think of the times in which i have had deeply profound experiences of union and oneness with All that Is, and how frequently they have been followed immediately by witnessing extreme violence or oppression of some sort. i have always heard this to be a call to behold my Beloved in the midst of apparent atrocity. yes……but perhaps it has also been a call to carry my sense of fearless Belovedness with me into those very places with passion.

sometimes, i think it boils down to whether i want to be a witness to life, or a participant in life, both valid but quite different callings….. or are they?

i am not going to rush too quickly this time back into the arms of the divine, where i know i will feel instantly better, but not address the deeper desire that keeps surfacing , the desire to feel myself, to know my own shape. i’m going to trust that god will go with me there….. and is already there waiting for me.

the human being and god are after all, both/and.

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