illuminated goddess? ….or earth mother

spirit gullhmmm..not so sure i’m in sync with that title so much right now :).  while ‘illuminated goddess’ perhaps expresses one aspect of who i am here in this place, it does not express the whole of my experience of self, and embracing the whole of who i am is definitely where i am right now. for better or worse, i am needful of acceptance. acceptance that there are parts of me that may stand glowing with the light,  but there are vast aspects of myself that remain submerged, and that is ok. i am content in being small, but a portion of the light that manifests itself so wonder fully here.

in the center of the lake upon whose shores we camped this past week, there was a submerged loggerhead with just a tip exposed. beneath the dark, reflective waters there remained depths unseen, unexplored, left to mystery.

supportive depths.

upon the tip of this loggerhead, exposed to the light, life itself virtually greened and blossomed. each morning, our spirit gull would glide in to perch upon this tiny verdant island in the midst of the mist. …

so much life, so much spirit, crammed onto such a little space.

i think perhaps this tip of illuminated self that i am belies the depths that lie beneath, supporting it, if i mistake the life that i am wholey for the Life that Is. i am not a Goddess. i am a most reverent expression, a tiny island birthed from her sacred waters. i perhaps am made up entirely of Her essence, but i am not wholly Her. She remains at last inexpressible.

yes, perhaps i can manifest that aspect of her that offers a place for the weary to find rest for awhile.  but perhaps my life may simply be a place that stands as sentinel to that which lies beneath. perhaps i am a guardian of the Vast Unknowable, a sacred re-member-ance that invites attention to the wonder of What Is. i don’t know. i DO know that i am content to not know.

about 1/2 way through the week, i crawled into my tent one evening, feeling weary myself, a bit discouraged perhaps, definitely full of self-judgment. i feared that i was failing at my ‘task’. that evening around the fire i had slid into the mistaken belief that it was me who had to lead the group toward some predetermined destination. while i was having some limited success in making the canoe go in the direction i wanted :), i had realized early in the week how much more comfortable i was with meandering, with wandering in the woods, following the trail of dry kindling, or with circling as many times as needed to see something again and again on the water. in truth, often the waters would take us where they would take us as we tried to remain still long enough to capture an image.

that night by the fire, i was also trying to capture something…Something that refused to be captured or named. Something very palpably present, though elusive, wanting to be seen but needing to belong to the Mystery. something Unspeakable, communable but incommunicable. still, the voices in the crowd of my head taunted me.

that night, She came.

as elizabeth to Mary, she came into my dream, telling me the story of her own longing, her own waiting, her own surrender, her own surprise when she finally let go. the child was conceived just when she thought it was too late, impossible. clearly, i heard Her say, ‘ you cannot see, but the seed has been planted’. and then i let go. let go of my need to see, my need to know, my need to be in control. i fell into trust in Something bigger than me and i fell into the embrace of Love.

the story in Luke goes something like that. there is the sudden recognition of a hidden truth, which causes something to leap within. it comes with Elizabeth’s blessing that what has been promised will be accomplished…..with or without our ‘doing’, i am called simply to trust. to trust in something bigger than me. what has been ‘spoken into being’, including my self, will be fulfilled. the beauty that i am will be made real. and so my desire is very simply this. my ‘intent’ is to believe in my blessedness, to trust in the promise, to listen to the whisper in the dark, to rest in the unseen. i need not know.

besides, my experience of life has been that rarely do i know where the path will lead me, and just when i think i know where i should go, Something has a better idea than any i could possibly choose for myself.  my ‘intention’ is to trust in life, to trust in Love, to believe in beauty, named and unnamed, to trust in Something bigger than me. this is what i can bring to life.

i do understand this may not be concrete enough for some, but i have never functioned well in the concrete. i am much more at home in the mystery, dwelling in and seeking beauty….. and yet this is no other-worldly, ungrounded, esoteric ideal, for i find the mystery of beauty unfolding right here and now, in the earthiness of life itself.  i choose to trust in the goodness of the earth and my place here upon it. i am of the earth, birthing what remains unseen.

perhaps what i am trying to say is best expressed like this. as we paddled out on the last day, the rains were threatening, the sky heavy, the water choppy, the wind persistent. and yet, i did not wish to leave without honoring the sacredness of what we had shared, the deep hospitality the earth had offered to us, the blessing of having been embraced by the holy. and so we paddled across to the leeward side of a neighboring body of land. there we gunneled up, beneath the wing of the earth. and floated together in the silence, remembering, thanking, honoring, blessing, being witness to the beauty that embraced us all around, bearing witness to the beauty that had flowed forth from within. the winds and the current united to turn us, ever so slowly round and round and round. directionless, we were led to a place of deep peace and profound blessing …

and somehow togehter we found ourselves singing, ‘holy, holy, holy One”

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