morning thoughts

there is nothing outside of ourselves that we can ever snuggle too comfortably into. there is no real security ever in the physical world. any freedom grasped within it is merely an illusion, or perhaps an echo, a reflection, of the truer freedom we are invited to open into, a momentary experience to remind us of what is always ours to claim, or to finally make the hunger for more of the same draw us painfully toward the only thing that truly satisfies.

the exterior will always crumble, whether by storm or by season, by violence or time. and if we grow too dependent upon it, begin to mistake the incarnation for the holy, cling to it or get lost in it, or grow addicted to its fixes jumping from one experience of safety to another without following them to their source, skipping across the surface of life like a water bug across the lake…never diving deeper for fear of being consumed, yet never truly safe.  

when the only constantly available security lies in the depths, beneath the whims of wind and waves and surf. or in the ground of the earth, beneath the falling trees, the fading blossoms, the frost bitten leaves, receiving all the changing moments deep into the self as nourishment.

this momentary pain, these tears dripping the angst of powerlessness, helplessness, remind me that i have no control at all over the illusory. i cannot will my world to remain safe. i cannot make it forever look the way my fear desires it to be. but i can choose to see.

and i can choose to return to this place of stillness, this place where chaos cannot touch. this place of being held in a security inviolable. this place of knowing
all is well.


how can i smell this beauty and not sing it
how can i taste this song and not be filled
what to do with this fullness in my heart
when it wants to flow like mountain streams in springtime?
i dance
i dance with swirling dervishes
i dance with children in the park
i dance with wedding couples
and widows in the dark
my wings extending
soaring and embracing,
reaching for the heavens and hearts
gathering them into my own
i hold these precious, close
and once again the heartbreak happens
it is too much to hold
and o’er it spills, this tender beauty
nay breathgiving
joy and sorrow spilling into me
oh, it smells of springtime thaws
and autumn falls
and music yet unsung

definitely not a mission statement

oh but this asking is too much
this thing they ask of me
how can i possibly express
this passion that i have for you

my god, my god
it is like asking to explain
how the ecstasy arises
when i lie in your embrace
from whence comes this rising of my soul
this heightening awareness
this feeling of aliveness
this perking up,
unfolding blossom,
juices flowing from my ripeness

is this love affair with you a thing
i can articulate
or is it something of the heart
a feeling unde-finable
yea it is too fine a thing to name
this essence of my love for you

it lies not hidden in the color of your hair
nor the swelling of your breast beneath my opened palm
nor is it even in the tender words you speak
that cause my breath to deepen into sighs
but perhaps it is the way you gaze at me
with longing in your eyes
beholding beauty that i cannot see
save through your loving lens

how to paint the colors
that explode
how to illustrate the scents of our lovemaking
how to describe the tastes
which satisfy this hunger
this once insatiable yearning for completeness
fulfilled in these moments
here with you.

the secret

there is a secret

hidden in the music

the wand’ring returns to one


every day this week, there has been a bird (a mockingbird i have discovered) flying into my windows and doors, from our perspective it appears as if he is trying to get into the house, although i suspect this is not truly the case. he flies from one window to the next, the whole way around the house, beating the window with his wings, pecking them with his beak. kelly has wanted to open the door so that he can just fly in, but i do not want to trap him in the house and i know he will not be able to find his own way back out. it does not appear to be accidental, as if the bird thinks the glass is not solid, because it hits the windows over and over again.
i have read that during mating season, birds may do this if the window has mirror like properties, thinking that the reflection is a rival bird….but it is not mating season. i have also read that the restlessness of migrating birds can cause this activity. since it doesn’t migrate, perhaps it is defending a food territory from some perceived intruder then. perhaps it is also the position of the sun in the fall or the cloudiness of the skies that is causing this mirror like quality to the window.

regardless of the explanation, scientifically, i find it curious that this creature has come to my window so persistently. is there a message it carries for me? kelly wants to let the bird into the house…..i hear echoes of my dream somehow…

tonight i read these words (again, bond with the beloved) ”for so long we have identified ourselves with our actions, with what we do rather than what we are. we value ourselves by the external result of our actions, by what we create in the outer world. yet true purpose and meaning come from deep within the unconscious. it is the inner connection that gives value and purpose to life.”

and there was etty’s quote “Ultimately, we have just one moral duty: to reclaim large areas of peace in ourselves, more and more peace, and to reflect it towards others. And the more peace there is in us, the more peace there will be in our troubled world. ”

here is my left shoe in the golden bird’s nest…

someone suggested that the man mowing the lawn is god, taking care of the details so i can be free to love….hmmm

all is well,

pondering gift

some rambling ponderings on Gift 

there is a wholeness to Gift that yearns to be embraced…a circle of completion, a cycle of becoming…She begs us see the whole of Her. 

what is Gift? is She a static object that we can collect and quantify, or is She fluid as She flows, as the ocean shifts, drawing sands into its depths and depositing them once again, creating contours that refuse to be mapped, rolling over as the day flows into night and back to day again. yet both day and night are contained within the same moment when viewed from afar. 

what is Gift? is She only to be given? or is She also to be received?  by being received, i do not mean being taken by the other, but being SEEN (received) bythe other as Gift. and does She then become Gift in the receiving? is She to be taken and used up? no, give and take is not the same as giving and receiving? for if i take what She offers without receiving Her, i see only half of Her, yes, somehow i cut her in half and so deplete Her energy. it is as if the vastness of Her Loving energy shifts over to one side and She is no longer able to flow and roll. But when i receive Her, my reception flows back as gift through the opening in me, and together we keep receiving and giving, revolving and evolving. 

i am not speaking here of giving back in order to recycle and refill as if there is a finite limit to Abundance. i do not see the yin and yang of giving in this way. the relationship is not one of receiving and giving back, for this type of visioning is based in fear that does not see Her goodness. 

yes. seeing goodness. this is the one necessary thing. when i choose to see goodness, then i receive, and She is received, within the same breath. there is no waiting. there is no order. there is no time. there is no filling pursued by lack. there is Oneness in our being, only the fullness of eternity. a mutuality of receiving where all is gift within each moment.

no, this is not the same as reciprocality of payback at all. when i choose to see and to receive Her goodness, there is no opening that She must find in order to be received, no physical barrier, no dividing line, no wall of judgment that declares ‘You are not gift as You come, You are not welcome here, keep Your gifts to Yourself’, causing Her ceaseless goodness to back up and once again shift the energy of Her Love over to one side where it cannot flow and roll. She appears to retreat, but it is we who choose not to see Her. we plead with Her to give. but this is like asking the rain to fall upon the parking lot as we lament that our landscape is no longer green. though she pours Herself upon us, we cannot take Her in because we have cut down all the trees, covered over our own soil with concrete. we cannot feel the goodness of the rain. in fact, we complain when it comes. 

what is Gift? She resides and hides within each moment, yet we are unwilling to open up our eyes and see Her, unwilling to receive Her…perhaps because She looks like the rain (for which we thirst) when we want only sunshine. likewise within each moment, we are also somehow gift, though we are taught to see only debt and lack because we do not experience ourselves, or our way of being gift, as acceptable of being received. we are not good enough. we do not look the right way. perhaps we do not always look like sunshine and that is all that the other can perceive and receive as gift, and so the walls arise, and the mutual flow of Love is blocked. tipped backwards on its side, the value of one gift is placed above the other so that one appears to be emptied as the other’s filled. but we, like She, are ceaseless in our overflowing gifts within each moment and true receiving from the other somehow only happens when we  likewise are received. 

by this i do not mean that the other receives what you are giving, but that the other sees that you are gift, for this is to be truly received. only then is there a sense of goodness from which gifts can flow. only then do we let down the false dividing walls and there a sense of wholeness to our being. we are neither lacking, nor are we drained. there is day and night. there is giving and receiving. one cannot exist without the other and both are present at the same moment within time. balanced. yin and yang. yang yearns for the gift so that it can do something. yin desires to be received so that it can be something. yang yearns for its fire, yin thirsts for its water. when yang acknowledges the gift yin is, yang receives the gift it craves and yin’s thirst is quenched.  

 Gift. ah, so You are not linear as i have been taught, You are a not giftf ollowed by gift followed by gift, merely shifting your shape as you go,transforming your energy from one form into the next as you travel through time, cycling and recycling.  rather, You exist entirely in all Your forms within this moment, and we are each receivers and givers of You at once. like You, we contain Your fullness (and your emptiness) deep within each moment, eternally giving and receiving, giver to and receiver of each other as we are here and now. there is no now and later. there is not one giving, the other receiving, but both giving and receiving You at once. no lack to be followed by abundance to be followed by overflowing. no draining to be filled. no indebtedness. for we are always full of You. there is no pay it forward in this place, because there is no forward here. for this belief is to miss Your Presence, giving and receiving in each breath.there is only the fullness of eternity, the fullness of You, present here and now, and all that You are is contained within the stillness of this moment. the vastness of eternity within this pinpoint of time. 

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