holding and healing

 march 13, 2006 i can only tell my own story. a story, pieces of which may or may not resonate with yours. there may be similar threads. however, the tapestry of my life that they have been woven into, the tapestry that now billows softly on gentle breezes, may look different than yours will. right now mine feels like silk, vibrantly colored and soft, although when all that i held was a few torn and tattered fragments, indeed perhaps a handful of broken threads, i could not know that this is what was being woven for me. your tapestry may be woven into a different pattern, added to different colored threads, may be of different fabric, still i trust that there is the Weaver of Life doing the tending, the gathering of lost threads and of fruits, the spinning and the weaving. unseen by me, i yearn to see the finished product, i yearn to understand the meaning of this moment, to understand how it will be woven into the beauty that is me. too often, i cannot, and in these moments the only thing that saves me from the torments of my current hell is letting myself go into the hands of love. when i cannot understand, this is the peace for me that overcomes my pain and fear and soothes….love. yet receiving love in the midst of agony may be one of the most difficult learnings that i have ever undertaken in this life as a human being. to come to know that everything is loved and held with the deepest of compassion, by a Love that understands it all, nothing is condemned nor judged…the anger and the rage, the anxiety and fear, the pain and the despair….is to discover that there is One who aches and yearns for me within this experience even as i yearn for Love. and each time that i allowed Love to come inside to Love this me within this moment experiencing this thing, whether it entered through my invitation or more often through the breaking open of my heart, a piece of me was healed. and somehow through it all the fabric of my heart is gradually being restored, and in fact it grew more lovely, for i have learned along the way that there is nothing i cannot also greet with love and compassion. i continue to heal, along with the rest of the human race, from brokenness, but i believe the process of life has made me both more human and divine. i have experienced deep and severe pain, and in that very place is growing Love. i have learned to exchange judgment for compassion..first for myself. perhaps it is the way of the universe that the loss of innocence is filled with the blessing of gifts. if your granddaughter hangs in there she may discover those gifts. if she doesn’t she will be loved the same. but perhaps you could begin to ask yourself and to look for the gifts…of compassion, release from old bonds of shame, etc….that you may be receiving through this intense experience of life. for the years that i was suicidal, when the pain and abuses of this life felt too intense to remain within it, the only thing that saved me was finally receiving the truth that i was loved… just as i was, just where i was…that i was understood, accepted, allowed to be….that Someone had compassion for my experience of life and…..after much healing i realized that this Someone was holding my life and all its experiences as a sacred one. perhaps it was chosen for me, perhaps i took part in the choosing of this journey, i don’t know. i only know that from where i stand today, i would not go back and choose for myself any other life than the one i’ve lived. as for the persons who walked with me through those treacherous years….even at the time they told me that they had the sense that i had been sent to them, an angel with a message of healing for them was often what was expressed. i awakened something in them….broke something open in them….healed something in them….released something in them….each of these persons would have to name for themselves the specifics of the gift i brought to them. they have shared these things with me, but i will not speak for them.  i trust that my walk with them was a needful part of their own journey…. that perhaps i held the threads they needed for their own tapestry to be whole. today we know that we were treading on sacred soil and we are eternally grateful and changed and blessed to have walked this journey together. this is my prayer for you. that you may come to know that god is deeply and compassionately within this sacred space with you. somehow it seems that it is in our moments of darkest depair and desolation, that God draws so close that we cannot see, deep within our hearts, both holding them and filling them, deep within the sacredness of the experience, within the other, within the pain, suffering and loving at once and blessing, blessing, blessing each step of the way. all is wellvicki  

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