quietly slipping away

if i could just stop

doing

if i could just stop

being

if i could just stop

feeling

if i could just stop

the pain

go down, down, inside

where the noise outside

is silenced where the noise

inside is silenced

where there is nothing but

the silence

away,

away

away

from all knowledge

from all feeling

from all pain

away

into the emptiness

into the void

into nothing

my legs

will not stand my arms

will not move my head

will not think my heart

will not beat i will not

be

anymore i am so

weary i try to stand

but i can’t i try

to speak but i can’t

i try to think but i can’t

i can

only feel this pain

if i go into this pain

i will never escape

if i lie down

i will never get up

if i give her a voice

she will destroy me

i must be quiet as quiet as i

can be so she cannot be heard

she attacks and attacks

i try to walk and she blocks my path

i try to stand and she knocks me down

i try to speak and she hits me

i try to breathe and she kicks me

i try to be and she spits on me

i curl into a ball and she laughs at me

i have to hide

from her and camouflage myself

she is attracted by the scent

of love, it lures her from her lair

she seeks it out

destroys it before it can destroy her

i try to strike back to defend their love

i curl myself around it as i absorb her blows

but she kicks me and kicks me til i lie

bleeding and broken and beaten

i cannot get up

i cannot pick up the pieces not

one more time

i am broken i lie

broken here on the floor

like the scarecrow of oz

i cannot feel my legs

i cannot feel my heart

i cannot feel my soul

i cannot feel at all

let me slip away quietly like this

quietly

like i survived

quietly

like a good girl

quietly as always

it is the only way i know

i don’t know how to make noise

i don’t know how to defend myself

i don’t know how to fight back

i don’t know how to say no

i don’t know how to be alive

this death is all

that i know it is all

that i can do well

this dying

this silent crying

this

is all that i am
 

 

quietly-slipping-away

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: very early healing pieces « Emmaatlast’s Weblog

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M.C. Reardon

photographer~painter~poet

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