saturday night ramblings

 

I have played the scene out

and there is nothing but pain in the end

after the fleeting moments of bliss

comes the destruction of souls

I bring nothing but devastation

and leave a path of death in my wake

Why God, have you cursed me like this

Why can there be only pain whenever I am touched.

God, you have given me this body

put me here in this human form

and left me here alone

 

i have been beaten and betrayed

while you sat doing nothing

and now i cry out to you

and the pain drips onto this page

it pours out of my soul like blood

from a deep and jagged wound

while they sleep

oblivious to my need

 

are you sleeping too God?

why have you abandoned me here

i cry out to you but you deny me

for i am still

alone

alone with this pain

alone with this knowledge of evil,

it hurts

it hurts,

it hurts oh dear god, it hurts

and i don’t know what to do with this pain

with this aching loneliness.

please

send someone to touch me

please

send someone to touch me

please

send someone to touch me

for you have created me like this

given me this human form

i am warm and alive

no ethereal holy vision to be worshipped

from afar

i am merely a woman with a woman’s need

for touch

oh this longing is too deep for words

where is it coming from

it feels so physical

yet it is deep within my soul

an aching need that i cannot explain

a need to make your love for me feel real

body/soul we are one

the aching of one being God, please

send someone to touch me

please send someone to heal me

to heal me with their hands

to honor me with their touch

a touch that is soft and tender

not violent and painful

someone to hold me while i cry

to gaze into my eyes

and see into my soul

let me see Your Love for me

make your Love for me real

someone to marvel in the embodiment

of my soul

to tell me of my beauty

with their hands

someone to show me Yours

to wrap themselves around me

so i can sleep at last

so i can have peace at last

but there is no one here for me

and my imagination is not good enough

i can close my eyes and try to feel your presence

i can hear your words to me but i cannot make it physical

and though i am a spiritual being

i am physical as well

blood

runs through this flesh

i long for a loving touch God, why

would you give me this need for touch a

nd then hurt me with it

is that how you cherished me?

is that what you thought of me?

if this need for human touch

this yearning for intimacy

is really a yearning to know you

if touch is an expression of Divine Love

a physical way to Know you

then my Knowledge of you is painful

and i don’t want

to Know you.

why god why

why

why

why did you hurt me so

let me hang to suffer and die

and crucify my soul

why god

why

why

why did you

abandon me
 

 

ugliness

ugliness

it was not my fault

there is no place to hide

when the predator is in your house

it was not my fault

there is no way to escape

when you are a piece of property

it was not my fault

there is no way to satisfy

when his hunger is not for you

it was not my fault

there is no way to be warm

when what he wants is cold

it was not my fault

it was not my fault

it was not my fault
 

 

untouchable

untouchable

 

like a priceless vase

displayed behind glass doors

she sits alone upon the shelf

where those who pass by her

admire her delicate beauty

 

intricate, sparkling glass

capturing the Light

as it dances off her contours

and she reflects its beauty to their eyes

 

but she is protected from their touch

for she is oh so fragile

and if they look too closely

they’ll see her brokenness

 

the cracks where she was shattered

and lovingly repaired

piece by piece

by the ones who cherished her

 

they sorted through her brokenness

with patience and great care

to restore her

to her delicate grace

 

but she is useless

for she no longer can hold water

it seeps through the cracks

trickles down her sides

and pools around her feet

 

never again will she be the vessel

to sustain

the beauty of a rose

no bud will open within her

blossoms will wither and die

 

and nothing will fill her emptiness

she is incomplete

once a vital vessel

now a piece of art

 

exquisitely radiant

captivatingly reflective

…….untouchably empty

 

 

 

psalm 91

Oh god

My god

I understand

you aren’t the one who hurt me.

I understand

that you were hurting too.

But help me understand

your promises to me.

 

You said you would protect me,

that you would spread your wings o’er me

that you would keep me safe,

that I would not be harmed.

 

Isn’t that what you said?

Are you a God

who keeps your promises?

Are you a God that I can trust?

 

I know that you have rescued me,

I have felt your saving power

and I know that now you honor me.

 

but what took you so long.

And why,

oh why,

when i loved you so.

 

was it me who turned my back from you

i just don’t remember it that way

i remember loving you

till the child died in my womb

 

I just don’t understand,

help me understand

are they all lies

that are written here

 

when i look into this book

i find words that hurt me

i find words that betray

i find broken promises

words that aren’t for me

 

 

am i not good enough for your book

am i unworthy of its pages

 

i want to rip them one by one

and tear this pain out of my heart

for i am hurting

and i turn to you for comfort

but there is none for me

 

i want to hurl this book across this room

and stomp upon its pages

but i can’t

for i love you

still i love you

always i love you

 

and i know you aren’t the one who hurt me

and i know that you were hurting too.

 

oh god

my god

come hold me in your arms

tell me that you’re sorry

that it happened to me

tell me that you love me

still you love me

always you love me

tidal waves

just a trembling

a subtle tremor on the surface

disturbs the calm, still sea

an eerie ripple

the only indication

of the volcanic eruption

deep within my soul

 

from above

its magnitude is inperceptable

as undetected it explodes

releasing the tremendous power

of restrained pain

as it rises unbidden to the surface

setting off concentric waves of anguish

 

which begin

as just a trembling

a subtle tremor on the surface

an eerie premontion

of the tidal wave of pain

which crashes over me

and obliterates my sanity

tidal-waves

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